a funny thing happened on my way to the checkout

so i’m at the supermarket today, waiting in line to be checked out, and i glanced over at the rags where i expected to see nothing out of the ordinary. but out of the corner of my eye, i happened upon a book, happily displaying its trademark yellow and black cover, “baby names for dummies”.

and all i could picture was one of those infomercials, you know where they try to sell you a mop and go about to explain why their mop is better than any other mop by getting actors to portray just how difficult it is to use the “other” mops. they act like mopping is a backbreaking chore, that it makes you frustrated, sweaty, and your hair fall in your eyes. and they always give those big heave-ho-type sighs where they fill their cheeks with air and then blow it out in a big puff like they’re the big bad wolf, lifting the hair that fell into their eyes just for a moment. but that’s what mopping is like with the other mops. that’s why you need our mop. it will practically wash your floors itself! and as you mop birds will fly all around you with pretty colored ribbons in their beaks while they chirp refrains of chopin.

i imagined a couple in a delivery room, the wife is going through terrible, sweaty, hair-in-your-eyes labor. the husband paces around heavily, deliberately, sweaty and backbreakingly. after much suffering and gnashing of teeth, a little form finally breaks out into the world. a baby. with a long loud cry.

and then a hush descends upon the room as the doctor weightily looks the baby over. the husband and wife collectively hold their breath, as they await the verdict.

but then, gloomily and with hair in his eyes, the doctor says, “i’m sorry folks. but your baby is.. a dummy”.

announcer cuts in: “but don’t worry, folks, because this couple was prepared! they purchased baby names for dummies and will be able to find a name for their little dummy quickly and easily. in fact, this baby can even name itself with this book!…”

the husband whips out the book with a wide-toothed smile, shares it with this wife who suddenly looks like a mabelline spokeswoman, the doctor joins in and sips a mocha while they peruse the perfect list of names for dummies. and birds flit into the delivery room trailing ribbon.

*******

during my brief shopping excursion i used a hand-basket to collect the goods i planned to purchase. when i got to the checkout, i set the basket on the conveyor. after scanning my items, the cashier handed my basket to the bagger who took it and put it out of the way.

i had to request just two bags or i would have ended up with an entire plastic tree’s worth of bags with one to two items in each one.

after loading up my goods into my two bags, the bagger stood there holding them. he seemed surprised when i moved to take them from him. he said he was going to walk me to my car. i politely declined and reached for them again.

“they’re heavy” he warned.

i know. i walked around with them in the hand basket you just put away.

*******

we have weaned people off the school of thought with an array of books for dummies and have lost the art of common sense.

now, this bagger could have been just having a blonde moment. we all have them, and i’m willing to extend grace. but it doesn’t diminish the affliction that has cursed our generation, and potentially all of those that follow.

we’ve bought so many dummy books, that we have convinced ourselves that we’re the subject in the title.

after i had a good laugh over my encounter. i sighed heavy for my generation. and wiped the hair out of my eyes.